Random Thoughts 29/08

Monday 29th August

This is a rambling and thoughts post. I remind you that the main purpose of this blog is a personal record of living with Franky that is, someone with MPD / DID. For both my benefit and theirs. This particular post is literally thoughts as they appear (though I'll try and include some kind of engaging language construct).

Another Skype starts with them agitated. Tonight even more so than yesterday. The cat doesn't help, always crying for attention and trust me, it is fucking annoying. If it wouldn't upset Bethany I would have turned into slippers. According to their blog post tonight at some point it was Frank, the alter Frank. Frank, the alter I've been waiting to be able to speak to for over a week. But I can't, it breaks the rules again. And it's upsetting.

Skyping is different now to what it was before I flew over to see them. I got used to talking to them with freedom and openness that is lost on Skype. I got used to be able to look at them and touch them and whilst I can look at them still on Skype it's just staring.

I'll come back to this, I wanted to say more about the agitation they are feeling. Like yesterday I am aware that there is at least two of them here and again there is a conflict... no, that implies they are competing, I mean there is a lot of rapid switching. They cry and get upset with themselves a few times. The agitation eases off as the Skype session goes on.

Back to moods. This time mine. I'm agitated too. Tonight over a mis-understanding about a tweet caused because I didn't get a DM they sent but that is discussed early and resolved. Then when I find out who it is that's here tonight I get upset because I desperately want to talk to them and I can't.
For some reason I've been unhappy the past few days when Skyping with them. This should be a wonderful time with us both eager to spend as much time as we can. It's not about actually talking but just having that connection. They were supposed to paint tonight and I was going to get on with my work whilst they painted without ending the Skype session. I'd still be there if they wanted to say something, I'd be able to see them and we'd have that connection still. But they didn't paint and I'm quiet and they're agitated. They pick up on me being quiet and tell me to smile / they love me etc. to cheer me up. They shouldn't have to do this, I should be happy Skyping with them. I don't know yet what it is, why I'm like this. I don't know what it is I want or need to be able to stop feeling like this. I want to talk to them more, that would be nice but I don't have much to say. I miss them so much. I miss being able to stand behind them and wrap my arms around them, to comfort them, to kiss them. A lot is also the worry I have for them. They tell me a lot to not worry about them but how can I not. When I see them on my monitor crying or getting angry and I have nothing but words. I will try harder to be happy for them, they were so strong for me when I had to get on a plane to fly back to the UK it's my turn to be strong for them.

Managed to get through the Skype session without breaking rules. Though again I was screaming inside to say their name. I accentuate the "you" when I said "I love you" a couple of times which is putting at least 4 toes over the line.

I love you Franky.