Skype, Stress and Rules

Sunday 28th August.

They didn't sleep well and when they did sleep they had nightmares.

Following their tweets more than usual today, not sure why, maybe just because I'm on twitter more than usual today and so naturally I'm going to see more of theirs. I don't search their profile's timeline any more, despite everything, despite the fact I'm their boyfriend and they love me, I still don't always like some of the things I see. It's not just about how they talk to other guys but just some of their tweets can be upsetting. Deep down I know that what they tweet are just thoughts and not to taken too literally but it's still hard. Anyway, I digress, I was following their tweets and to me at least I could see that they were switching a lot.

They wanted to paint today and several tweets gave me a big clue as to who was the main alter as executive today. A comment they made when copying my previous blog into their blog was signed and confirmed my guess. But they were obviously not alone.

This became even more evident when I got to Skype with them. They would go from being happy to snapping at me and back again in a blink of the eye. A couple of times I was taken aback by it and didn't understand where it was coming from. I didn't think it was Brook though, which would be a supposedly obvious guess. I did mention the snapping and we did talk about it very briefly. They kept apologising and I had to say to them that they shouldn't. I never want them to apologise for who they are. One particular instant I started to say something and they were instantly agitated. So much so I was forced to say "if you need me to stop talking for a minute or two..." to which they said "yes, please stop, we're trying to get [this] finished". At the beginning of the Skype chat they said they were feeling very agitated. It started when the Skype chat started but it wasn't me specifically that was making them agitated though they weren't able to say what the cause was. I know that they spend most of their days with an almost constant dialogue between alters going on in their head but when they are under stress like this I get the impression that it is incredibly difficult for them to maintain executives. It's as though the internal dialogue and emotions felt by each alter spills out. One of them was very angry and confused and would seem to be the one that answered me if I tried to talk to them about what was going on (I'd ask "what's wrong honey" and be told very shortly "Nothing"). The anger wasn't at me I don't believe and sometimes I would get a question answered by what appears to be two different alters. Now I have said before that an alter is NOT defined by a mood and I stand by that, they are not, though they each have a purpose and they each have an emotion that they are better at dealing with than the others. Therefore as each emotion requires dealing with, often the alter best able to deal with it will emerge. That's not a hard and fast rule, they are each capable in their own right of dealing with any situation in their own way but tonight I felt that two, maybe three alters were trying desperately to work out what was wrong. [After thought] They did comment that now they are back to working full-time it upsets them and stresses them that they have too little time in the evenings to get done everything they want to, need to get done. This includes painting, blog writing, twitter (I wish people could see just how much they give to twitter and the people of twitter and then they might see why it's so upsetting when fucking cunts ask them stupid questions or talk them in a horrible / ignorant manner), making dinner and Skyping with me.
They comment that sometimes they find it difficult to multi-task and so I reminded them that it's ok to ignore me and just get on with what they need to do but it's more than just me. They are trying to do many things and think about many things at once. From my understanding the executive is trying to get things done whilst at the same time has to try to listen (or ignore depending on what's happening) and deal with the thoughts and wishes of any other alter that is with them.
Eventually they seem to get to a point where it calms down a bit for them. They appear less agitated and relax slightly into all the things they are trying to do this evening. Part of that I think is that make the decision that painting is not going to get done tonight. 

As the evening (night / early morning for me) goes on they settle into things and our chat becomes much more relaxed. They are doing their thing and I am doing mine (though with less interest) and I am aware again that throughout the Skype chat it is for the most part one alter, my belief the same alter that has been there the best part of the whole day, Ivy. I confess that I was initially saddened by the fact that we are not as happy to "be" with each other as we were on my very last day but it's a horribly selfish thought and I feel bad for having it. Though now (some hours into the Skype session) she's back to her sarcastic self and we have fun on twitter tweeting at each other. I keep thinking back to the time we were at the airport too and I desperately want to say her name again. All the emotions of that day sit under the surface and I struggle to contain them. I can't though, I mustn't. The rules were broken the last few days I was there but now I have to go back to treating them as one. They catch me staring at them a few times and I've got "that" look on my face. They ask "what?" and I say "forbidden thoughts". They know what I mean and they smile. They remind me I can't break rules. But right at the end of the Skype, just as we're saying good night I whisper it as they yawn "Ivy...". They know I said something, I think they know what too but they say they didn't catch it. I pause and I say it again, "Ivy...". "Yes?" she says, slightly awkwardly.
I know it was wrong and she tells me "You'll upset the others" and she's right. After they've gone I sit there and think about what I just did. Honestly it doesn't matter who was there I would have wanted to say their name. I need to stop doing it. I mustn't do it again. I say this to myself but in the back of my mind I know that it won't be the last time I'll want to. So in an effort to try and avoid that, to avoid upsetting any of them I am going to again take this chance to say a quick something to them (sorry, you readers don't know but I wrote to each of them recently, privately).

To you all:
I'm sorry. I know Ivy is right and I shouldn't have done it. I know Frank at least won't be happy. Please, please forgive me. Please don't be upset that I said Ivy's name. I meant what I said, I would have said whom ever's name, it wasn't just because it was Ivy. Yes I wrote about being with Ivy and the memories of that but again, if it was someone else last night then it would have been a paragraph about our last time together instead.

If you haven't read it yet I sent a quick email about last night, about you being agitated and how I reacted. It doesn't really say anything more that I said already but in short, you never need to apologise to me. I know it's hard for you sometimes and I know I still react badly when you're short with me but I DO know you're not angry with me and I don't take it personally. Sometimes it just jolts my emotions a bit that is all. No where near as much as it used to and over time I will stop reacting that way altogether. But it's important for you to be honest with me. You CAN tell me anything. It is ok to tell me how you feel. Again, I won't take it personally. I'd rather you told me, if you can, that something is wrong and you're upset / angry at least I know. I put it better and say more (in less words!!) in the email.

As for my continuing "need" to use names... I'm sorry. I will try and write another piece about it and try and explain it. Please don't be upset or jealous. Know I love you , all of you, unconditionally. I don't know the best solution yet but we have our future to work it out. For now I will try and stop it. At least until I've written more about it and you can all hopefully be able to understand in some way what my reasons are. Its new and it's scary but we'll work it out. Again, if you feel it's best I will stop.
The only thing I'll add is that whilst I will try and do this, not use names, it is hard not to see you for who you are. I will try and continue to treat you as one but I don't have a poker face so please forgive me if you see in my face / in my eyes or if my actions give away that I am thinking anything contrary to that.

Bethany, "Brooke", Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody, Sam: I love you. All.