Wednesday 31st August.
I was a few minutes into a video chat with Franky and it started off well. They've been quite down and agitated this week. They did a very good deed earlier and were happy about that. But very quickly that agitation is back and I'm tense again.
I'm reading an auto-biography written by someone that has DID / MPD and they were asking me about it. I have reservations about it as it's very emotional to read and for me upsetting on several levels. They comment about how the author is English and jokes "if you did your research you could have been with them instead".
I don't answer.
I'm trying to finish a sentence on something I'm writing whilst trying to think of a good reply that is soppy without resorting to "but you know you're the only one...". I don't know why. It's basic relationship stuff, you answer questions like that immediately. But bad day, emotional, wasn't quite "with it" what ever, I paused.
And a second too long.
They go offline. I assume the laptop crashed again. I call. Then I see a tweet saying to leave them alone. A tumblr post confirms it, they hung up and I realise I fucked up. Maybe.
I flap for a bit then decide to leave them for a bit. I asked a friend to call me though as I could do with the distraction before I attempted sleep. But a few minutes after getting into bed a follower on twitter messages me to say "Just read the latest post..." Confused I get up and see a message to me from Brooke: [link removed as not all them are happy about it].
This is my reply to Brooke:
Brooke,
So glad you like your new name, it sounded perfect for you. Care to share the name you currently have (had)?
I could probably live with you not liking me, I'll get over it though I'd much rather this wasn't the case. But I'm not going to try and change your mind, not here at least.
[snip]
You know what, I can't decide if I can be arsed with this Brooke. You say your bit, I say mine and we just go around and around. I'll be back with you all soon. If at that time you want to continue with your threat of trying to make us all miserable then again, nothing I say here will stop that. I've asked them to let you talk so if you're willing to tell me to my face why you hate me so much then I'll be all ears.
I am sure you have your reasons why you feel you must treat them and others the way you do, why you feel you need to make them / their lives miserable and if so I would like to know. Whilst you may not care for the idea I would like to talk to you when I'm back. If you don't want to listen to what I have to say fine, but I will listen to what you do.
You're wrong on just so many things but I suspect you know that too and I further suspect it's not about whether or not you believe the things you say but rather just about you trying to upset them. Again, I wonder why you do.
They do deserve to be happy Brooke. You all do. The past can't be changed and any wrong you feel they have done to others is irrelevant now because they have changed. Actually, more to the point, looking at everything that has happened to them in the past has been more the fault of other people. Other people have treated them like shit, have used them and fucked with them. Any action they have taken against another is a direct reaction to the treatment they have suffered. There is no justifiable reason that I can see (I'm open to you correcting that) why you should punish them.
You're a part of their life, our life. Like me or hate me isn't going to change that.
I hate that things are like this between us Brooke, I wish there was someway for it be different. I know me talking to you like this probably pisses you off but know that that's not my aim.
I'm not giving up on you Brooke. I'll take everything you can throw at me (speaking metaphorically). I don't want to spend all our time together pissing you off and so if you so prefer, I'll only write or talk as a response to you and all other times leave you be.
You hate the sappy things I say, you said it makes you want to gauge my eyes out so I apologise now for this but I love you, Frank et al. All of you. Everything, everyone, you are.
I'll shut up now. It's back to you Brooke. How much you and I interact is entirely up to you.
James.
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Now I will admit that when I first saw Brooke's message to me I panicked. I thought I'd got over the whole flapping every time they said something horrible to me (previously it was nearly always their attempt to protect me from themselves but thankfully I'm too stubborn) but this got to me. I panicked and contacted [fabulous people] for fear they might hurt themselves (Brooke might harm them). I also contacted a new found friend from twitter, I mentioned earlier as I needed the distraction (part of me was fighting to accept that given an hour or two they will have sorted this out themselves). I was distraught and I need to stop that. I have so much faith in them, I just need that little bit more. Hopefully by writing this post I can achieve that and it'll help me remember for next time it happens.
To those that put up with my flapping, thank you so much. I'm sorry too, some of you I know just wanted to slap me and tell me to stop being an idiot. Next time please do *stares at [Fab Peep]*.
K, thanks for being there, again, for calling and for your support and wise words.
I have spent so many hours writing and re-writing this post. So many times I've deleted and started again. So many times I've questioned if this is the right thing to do or not or even if I can be arsed to pander to Brooke (sorry). This blog is about what it is like to live with someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder and it's a tool for Frank et al to be able to see things about themselves from another view point. It also serves as a record of events as they can't always remember what has happened.
I'm not sure this post fulfils all of those requirements. Maybe it's missing a lot of feeling and thoughts of mine of that day. I don't know. What I do know is that it's no good to anyone if I keep things to myself.
I am making plans to move to be with them, to spend my life with them. It's not going to be dull...
(Just) James <<-- Hey, how'd you like this? Seems fitting, might stick with it.
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