Saturday 17th September.
I am posting this before Frankie is awake. It's not deliberate and I know they don't like me posting entries when they don't know but I said some shit things on Twitter and I want to try and explain where that came from. though all you need to know is that I was being a dick, we are ok. I'm sorry I gave you cause for concern.
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"I was happy and smiling earlier"
"That seems to be the theme recently"
We did exactly this the few days before I flew to see them back in July. The closer it got to the day I left the more we seemed to snipe. It is in NO way AT ALL an implication that we are not happy about me going to be with them again, it's a huge step for both of us. I'm leaving my country, my home, my family, my friends, they are giving up their space, their "freedoms" for want of a better word. We are both a little scared maybe but neither of us, not for a second (for me at least as one of them might feel differently and may have given them cause for hesitation) doubt that we want to be together. Neither doubts our feelings for each other. We are going to share our lives together and I couldn't be happier about that.
But tonight has been a very bad night for us. They have been having a hard time dealing with everything that is going on, they are all worried about the future, worried about their health and someone is back making more efforts to upset them.
And again I let them / her get the better of me. Actually, that's untrue, at one point I'm feeling so down and confused about something I don't at the time know what that I really don't blame them for being upset at me and when they hang up the call I'm not surprised or even pissed off by it. All I think is that I really am a twat sometimes.
I've been letting things get to me and I've been letting them effect me so much more than they should have done. I've been avoiding Twitter and last night I tried to write about it but I needed to go through their timeline and as I've written about before, there's a reason I don't. Again, it's a stupid thing, my stupid thing, I have no reason to get upset by what I see. I was also trying to write about my feelings regarding their words about / to [Someone Special] and I went back through the blog posts including the ones linked from within. I also had this stupid unfounded thought / fear that some of them no longer liked me as much as they once did. I wasn't going to publish it, it was just a therapy thing for me to try and see what it is I get so upset about so I can deal with it. To help me I took a piece of sticky back paper and wrote "THEY CHOSE YOU" and stuck it the PC desk above the monitor. but of course it still upset me though and again, I allowed negative thoughts and emotions to get the better of me too.
They didn't deserve to have me being miserable and it's made worse because we both feed off each other. They hate seeing me upset and it upsets them, that upsets me more that I've done that to them. It's a fucking mess and I'm a fucking idiot for allowing it.
Out of some sort of childish experiment, I had a go at playing their game and posted some tweets that were negative about them. We were chatting at the time and some of them were just their words to me but when they said it it was with humour and I did a very good job of removing that from the tweets.
They don't see them till right before the end of our chat and in between long moments of them ignoring me (because I'm being a miserable twat and because they are struggling with their selves) they try and make me smile. I resist. They really don't deserve that and I am still trying to figure out what the fuck my problem is.
I have no idea who is there. Brooke is there but I don't know to what extent and that makes me nervous. "Eggshells" is how I used to describe it.
They eventually read the tweets and understandably get upset. It doesn't matter how much I sit here and tell them that I didn't mean them, that I AM the luckiest guy ever to be able to call them my girlfriend, to be loved by them and for them to want me, love me, want to be with me; it doesn't matter, it introduces fear in them that my words might be real. Brooke often tells them that too.
We eventually start talking about it all. I haven't been awake long and can't remember the specifics of what was said but I tried my best to voice all my stupid notions and explain why it got to me.
I really really have no idea who I'm talking to. It shouldn't matter but for reasons I won't put here (but Baby, ask me about it and I'll tell you) it was very important to me to know. Apart from anything else, I was very aware that the things I was saying, the person(s) I was talking about were very probably the same one I was talking to know. Let me tell you that that is one awkward situation. But I was determined not to ask and at that moment, see them as one. Anything else wouldn't have been fair or right. Though I was screaming inside to know.
It's ok that some of them don't love me, it's ok that some of them may never love me. I'd rather Brooke didn't hate me with such passion but if that's who she needs to be then I accept that.
Because it was a voiced fear of theirs I tried to reassure them that things will get better, that life can be enjoyable, that they won't always be doing something that puts them in so much physical pain. And I remind them that I will do everything and whatever I can to help them with it all including making an effort to "please" them (I pointed out to them at the time that I don't do things purely to please them, but because I love them and I want to) Brooke included. I do love them. I love them all. I love all of them for being them and for who they are and I love them unconditionally. Brooke doesn't particularly like me saying it but I love her too. I made another point of saying that if come Tuesday, who ever is there doesn't want to meet me at the airport, if they (we know I'm talking about Brooke but it does apply to them all) would feel pissed off about it or it would cause them to be upset / argue then it's ok, I know the routes and buses enough to find my "home" (that's their home, my home now too).
I will do anything for them. Not in a doormat sense but I try so hard to understand what they go through, what they have to deal with, how hard their life is sometimes that I want to do whatever I can to help them. One thing is to simply be here for them and support them. Twice now I let them down on that score.
Just going back to our conversation about how I should tell them when they are being bitchy, they said I should be an arsehole back to them. That's when I pointed out that I was (had been) and mentioned the tweets.
I started out writing this to explain my tweets last night, I don't know how that came across in this post.
Some followers were concerned and upset by what I was saying, fearing the worse and I didn't respond to them. I didn't want to be on twitter, I didn't want to talk about it and I'm sorry. Please know that Frankie and I are OK, there was nothing wrong (nothing more than our usual off days). I love them as I always have (more so) and they love me and I will be catching a plane in less than 48 hours time to spend the rest of our lives together and underneath this face of misery I am grinning ear to ear. I have butterflies thinking about it.
Frank et al: I love you so much. I can't wait to get there and be with you again. I say this every time and I'll say it many times more, I want to spend my life with you Frankie, I love you Frankie, I have no doubts or fears about that. You make me so happy and I know we will be happy and life is going to get better. It is so hard being so far from you that it gets me down and I struggle sometimes not to let it effect me. I said some mean things to you, about you, and I'm sorry. I don't mean (??) them, I was simply being a twat. You have a whole bunch of pokes, and slaps built up waiting for me and I'll take every one of them. I love you Frankie, I love you all. I will be there very very soon and until then I promise to try and show you how happy that makes me.
Bethany, Brooke, Cassandra, Catherine, Emmie, Frank, Ivy, Melody, Sam - I love you all.
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