http://just-call-me-frank.blogspot.com/2011/10/stress-creates-rare-fucking-form.html
Stress! Oh-my-fucking-God-stress. They're stressed, I'm stressed, we're stressed but this is about me. I'd rather not write this as a "reply" to their post. I was actually sat here at the laptop wanting to write about today at the same time they were writing but for some reason it didn't seem right. It wasn't because I wanted to see what they wrote first, just the act of sitting here writing about us, them whilst they wrote about them, us didn't feel right. Plus the fact that I haven't been in the right frame of mind to write recently.
What have I got to stress about? Maybe stress is the wrong word but I do have a lot of things on my mind that I am struggling to deal with. Four weeks ago I packed everything I could into one suitcase (an act of stupidity meant I'd booked a flight with a ridiculously small baggage allowance) and flew to different continent to start a new life with my girlfriend (of course there are many happy thoughts about that) leaving behind my friends, my family, my home, a whole load of belongings that I'm sad to have left behind (I'm sentimental). I sold my car, my bike (I swore I'd never sell that bike), my bike gear, ... the list would be long. So many memories... I've already written about it so I won't go on too much but I do still think about it all a lot. I wouldn't say I'm home sick, I don't particularly have any desire to be back in the UK other than missing friends but I can't help but feel sad a lot of the time. I can't help the thoughts that pop into my head and I spend a lot of the day with nothing else to do but think about things.
I am trying to sell my flat (my first home, that I owned) and I am getting divorced.
Leaving the UK behind was very emotional, something I may still not have got over and now I am moving again from somewhere I once thought would be my new home. I love the city I live in now and for the most part I love the Country. I have had so many thoughts about living here and calling this place my home. My new life with my new girlfriend. And now I'm going to have to leave here, move again. It's too soon. I want to cry every time I think about it but I can't because every minute I'm not smiling they get upset or pissed off with me. But also they need me to be strong for them, they have so much more to deal with than I do and they need me to be happy. I am trying so hard to not let everything get to me.
To make it worse we are moving to the U.S. and I am having serious worries about being allowed into the country. It's another thought that is with me almost every minute of every day. "What if they refuse me entry?" Whilst I am allowed to stay in this country until mid-March I wouldn't have anywhere to live unless someone could put me up. Again, I want to cry every time I think about it. I hated the four weeks I was in the UK between trips to this country and I don't want to be apart from them again.
There are more personal aspects to my life that don't help with the whole "life is wonderful", I was seeing a counselor for them and those thoughts are yet another constant companion.
So occasionally I fuck up and I stress out over the stupidest of things. But it's not over-cooking bacon or getting a roux wrong that pisses me off, I know they are silly things and ordinarily I really wouldn't care but sometimes the silly little things are the proverbial straw. And it was this time and I did get pissed off and I did swear about it and it did mightily piss them off (a reaction I wasn't expecting) and they did shout at me, a lot and they cried and I fought back tears because I hate seeing them upset. They again told me that their lives were easier without me and again my head fills with thoughts about am I right for them, should I be here, are they going to split up with me?
Several years ago, after my mum died I went into counseling for therapy which also covered anger issues and I created a mantra to get me through situations that made me angry; at the time it was "be nice James" and I'd say it out loud every time someone carved me up on the road or I saw something that pissed me off. It sort of worked (the "happy pills" did their part too) so now I have a new mantra: "It's only bacon".
Now I know there are people on Twitter that would unfollow me for such a blasphemous expression but hey ho...
I do struggle with emotions, especially now whilst there is so much to think (worry) about. I do get angry and I do get upset but unlike Frankie it's just me in "here", I don't have anyone to push my emotions on to, I have to deal with them myself and it's not always an easy thing to do. I can't palm them off onto anyone else and carry on my day in a semi-blissful semi-ignorance. I have to try and deal with it or bury it (and I know how well that goes) and try and feign the smile they want to see all the time.
Of course they make me happy and of course I am happy to be here with them, to be starting my new life with them. I love them and somewhere in me I am ecstatic about it but I can't always muster that enough. I've always struggled with negative thoughts being dominant but I am working on it and I am getting better.
Moving into "The Mother's" basement brings its own stresses but once we are in the states (assuming I get across the border) then that is one less worry.
Yes, for now, a deep breath and forced smile because after-all, it's only bacon...
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